A Thought...

"True awareness, true consciousness, true enlightenment, the quality of true Divine love is not necessarily about being nice all the time. It is not about appearing peaceful, but rather it is about being truthful—truthful with ourselves about exactly where we are and truthful with others. When I am at my most vulnerable, when I am at my deepest truth within my shadow self is ironically when I am closest to God. Truth creates proximity to the Divine, even when it is something that we despise or something we believe we should not be feeling by now after all the work we have done."

Time

Time, I hear, is the healer of all
be its slave and it will cure all
Its mighty embrace will bring solace
only to its believers, not the faithless

I'm not its worshiper, I don't believe
it does me no favours, nor gives me relief
I let grief creep into my space
then I'm the one who puts it in its place

Time, I hear, waits for nobody
It moulds you, makes you a somebody
Chase after it in a suit and a tie
follow its pace, don't let it fly by

I'll let it go by, I refuse to chase
Time's no superhero, its not an ace
I'll pave my own path, at my own pace
life's not a competition, nor a race

Time, I hear, decides the right place
it chooses the right person, the right face
be patient! just accept! for it concludes your fate
your happiness lies at the mercy of its grace

I can't submit, for time is only finite
i acknowledge my free will without respite
unclenching my fist, letting it slip away
One day I'll be gone, and time will stay.

"Beginning in an ending"

I’ve been thinking about writing this gibberish for a very long time but thought the end of the year would be the perfect time to post it. I just want to write this and have it up on my blog so a few years from now (i.e. if I’m still alive), I can look back and remind myself how absolutely lucky I’ve been in life. One of the reasons I started writing a blog is because it acts as a memory trigger for me. Every piece here has a memory behind it. Every poem is inspired by someone. Every sentence is important to me. Now, certainly, there are a few things I would love to erase from my memory if I could but there are also many things in my life which I’d like to remember in the future. I am afraid I might forget a lot of important things considering the rate at which my memory is decelerating. Also, I know that when I am blessed with joy and happiness (which I hope for the future inshAllah) I tend to forget the hard times and the lessons that came with them. So, in an attempt to try and get some perspective on the past year, I’ve been thinking about where I’ve been, what I’ve achieved this year, and what I’m thankful for.
2009

Health - I would say it has been my ‘recovery’ year in many ways.It’s definitely been a challenging year for me and my family / friends but the good part is that it’s now over. Life seems to be a lot more stable now. Generally, I’ve been sleeping, eating, working, reading, and chatting (: P) like a normal human being. That’s something! because at the beginning of this year, I was not able to visualize myself as having a normal life again. Most of the wounds have been healed. The horrifying memories of the hospital are fading away. overall I seem to be doing a lot better. Alhumdulillah. And I have a lot more to be thankful for.

Mind - As always, I am very thankful to my family for being so supportive and good to me despite my irrational, aggressive behaviour most of the times. It’s hard to explain sometimes because an explanation always comes off as an excuse. But I’ll say it anyways. It’s very hard to have patience for silly crap when you have used up most of your patience reservoir. Even minor holdbacks seem like huge mountains to climb. As much as I’d like to think that I’ve emerged as a much stronger person because I’ve been through so much, the truth is that’s not the case– actually, it is in some ways but not in every way. Every hit seems to be harsher than the previous one. It’s tiring and exhausting but I guess now I know what my mother meant when she would tell me life is nothing but a test. At present, the toughest state for me to gain (re-gain?) is one that of patience and calmness in the face of adversity. I hope for some courage – not the absence of fear but the ability to face my fears. And I have a long way to go.

Heart – Now, that little guy is in a terrible place. In fact, I am ashamed to write about it but I will do it anyways for comparison purposes. I don’t remember ever being so lethargic and ignorant before when it came to keeping my heart refined. I can always use my health as an excuse, but it would be just that – an excuse. Every grudge has been successful in creating a crack in my heart. Anger has burnt its edges. Envy has stolen its peace. Regret has extinguished its passion. I stood up for what I believed in because I heard that if you don’t stand up for something, you will fall for everything. But life has proven it wrong over and over again. You still fall because those who you stand up for let go. Anyways, the good news is that something deep in the core still seems to be doing alright (at least for now) – I am not sure what it is; hope? Belief? Love? I hope to someday stand up for something worthwhile, keep some promises, erase the grudges, rekindle relations, cherish little moments, and laugh sincerely.

Brain – I know I don’t use it much other than to day dream or argue endlessly, I am hoping to make some good use of it and so, I am going back to school for a bit to get some pre-requisites. Please pray for my survival and keep me entertained on facebook during all nighters. My goal is to take one step at a time.

Realization has been my only but the greatest achievement.

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison

Soul Mate

Excerpt from "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert (although I haven't read the whole thing yet but I find this part worth sharing)

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life"

Quotes

By Khalil Gibran

I am very thankful to my friend who sent me these to read on December 10th, 2008. :)

"Advance, and never halt, for advancing is perfection. Advance and do not fear the thorns in the path, for they draw only corrupt blood."

"All that spirits desire, spirits attain."

"But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity."

"And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy."

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding."

"Zeal is a volcano, the peak of which the grass of indecisiveness does not grow."

"Would that I were a dry well, and that the people tossed stones into me, for that would be easier than to be a spring of flowing water that the thirsty pass by, and from which they avoid drinking."

"I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art."

"Safeguarding the rights of others is the most noble and beautiful end of a human being."

"Wisdom stands at the turn in the road and calls upon us publicly, but we consider it false and despise its adherents."

"God has placed in each soul a true guide to the light, but man struggles to find life outside himself, unaware that the life he is seeking is within him. "

"When love beckons to you, follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you."

“Love and doubt have never been on speaking terms.” And when you start losing trust on your love, then is when the first crack appears in a relationship. If you can’t trust you partner, happiness is gone forever."

"Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations."

"Your joy is your sorrow unmasked... The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain... I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed."

Change

Fighting the same crowd everyday
walking the same path day by day
programmed to accept the way things are
but exhaling, inhaling anyway.

Rarely do we seek to improve
Rarely do we feel things matter
jumping from one task to another
always hungry to find the better.

Until one day it happens to you
the blindfold is removed, you can view
you pause for a moment, where are you?
you wonder where you're headed to.

You notice their smiles, you observe their frowns
you feel their pain and their downs
your prayers slip when their hearts drown
ego is silenced, and humility abounds.

the conscience burns over what's missed
you wonder if ignorance is truly a bliss.

My Favourite poem - Beautiful Snow by J.W. Watson

(It's way too long so I will just post my favourite parts of the poem)

Over the crest of the beautiful snow;

Snow so pure as it falls from the sky,

To be trampled in time by the crowd rushing by -

To be trampled and tracked by thousands of feet

Till it blends with the filth in the horrible street.

Once I was pure as the snow, but I fell,

Fell like the snow flakes from heaven to hell;

Fell to be trampled as filth in the street,

Fell to be scoffed, to be spit on and beat;

Pleading, Cursing, Dreading to die,

Selling my soul to whoever would buy;

Dealing in shame for a morsel of bread,

Hating the living and fearing the dead.

Merciful God! I have fallen so low!

And yet I was once like the beautiful snow..

Once I was fair as the beautiful snow,

With an eye like a crystal, a heart like its glow;

Once I was loved for my innocent grace--

Flattered and sought for the charms of my face!

Father, Mother, Sisters--all,

God and myself I have lost by my fall:

The veriest wretch that goes shivering by,

Will make a wide sweep lest I wander too night,

For all that is on or above me I know,

There is nothing so pure as the beautiful snow.