Beautiful piece...

I am not sure if I agree with everything said here (especially the last paragraph) but I find it beautiful.



Adapted from Power, Freedom, and Grace by Deepak Chopra (Amber Allen, 2006).

When you exhibit positive and negative qualities, you are not flawed; you are complete. When you are comfortable with your shadow, when you embrace your shadow because this is how the infinite consciousness made you, then you are attractive beyond measure, and your life is an adventure. You are natural when you are comfortable with your ambiguity, and nothing is more beautiful than being natural.
When you are comfortable with both your strengths and weaknesses, you radiate simple, unaffected humanity. This is the essence of being lovable because you are not subject to behaviors that drive love away. You do not constantly look for approval by getting caught up in thinking: What do others think of me? Am I superior, am I inferior? Do people like me, or do they dislike me? You don’t constantly compare yourself to an ideal that doesn’t exist. Your ego doesn’t say to you, “I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not handsome enough. I’m not rich enough.”

If your experience of yourself is object-referred, it is fear-based and resistant to what is. If your experience of yourself is self-referred, it is love-based and accepting of what is. Self-referred people are natural and unaffected by the opinions of others. They are innocent, simple and childlike. Thank you, God, for making me just like I am. I have good things, and I have bad things; I have all things in me. I am complete. Self-acceptance, total self-acceptance, means self-forgiveness. When you forgive yourself and stop judging yourself, then you won’t judge others, and there will be less conflict in the world.

Between the old and new

Gone.

Ramadan Kareem

One of the first duas (prayers) I learned as a kid. It still echoes in my ear.

Karam maangta hoon Ataa maangta hoon
Ellaahi mein tujh se Dua maangta hoon

Atta kar tu Shaan-e-Kareemi ka sadqa
Atta kar de Shaam-e-Raheemi ka sadqa
Na maangunga tujh se tau maangunga kis se
Tera hoon mein tujh se Dua maangta hoon

Jo muflis hain un ko tau daulat atta kar
Jo beemaar hain un ko sehat atta kar
Mareezoon ke khaatir shifa maangta hoon
Ellahi mein tujh se dua maangta hoon

Maula Mein sadqa-e-Zehra sada maangta hoon
Ellahi mein tujhse dua maangta hoon

Jo nadaar hain kuch nahe jin ke pallay
Unhain bhi dikha de Haram ke tu jalway
Hazroori ho sab ki dua maangta hoon
Ellahi mein tujh se duwa maangta hoon

Wattan ke bharaktay sharaaray bhuja de Issay phir
akhuwat ka gulshan bana de
Mein amn-o-aman ki ridda maangta hoon
Ellahi mein tujh se dua maangta hoon

Ellahi tujhse waasta Panjtan ka
Ho shadaab guncha diloon ke chamman ka
Mein sadq-e-Ghous-ul-Wara maangta hoon
Ellahi mein tujh se dua maangta hoon

Sorry

Freedom

Ramadan mubarak everyone!

What does 'freedom' mean?
Does the eagle want to swim in the sea,
Restricted by the sky?
Does the fish want to dance on the wind,
Not enough river to explore?
Yet the sky is freedom for the bird
but death for the fish,
The sea is wide for the fish
but will engulf the bird.
We ask for freedom but freedom to do what?
We can only express our nature as it was created.
The prayer mat of the earth is freedom,
freedom from slavery to other than the One,
Who offers an shoreless ocean of love to swim in
and a horizon that extends to the next life,
Yet we chose the prison and call it freedom.

Solitude

Just recently, I was having a random discussion with a complete stranger in the subway about the state of being alone. He has been living in Toronto by himself for about a year since he moved from his home country. I happened to be in one of my silly moods and started sharing with him some of the most hilarious, unexpected experiences of my life and how he had to be there to really know what I am talking about. It was his response that really got me thinking - "If I was there, you wouldn't have noticed those moments". I asked him to clarify what he meant to ensure he isn't flirting (:P). He said, sometimes we pay attention to little things only when we are by ourselves. Perhaps, he was right. Or not.

But that is when it clicked to me that a part of me that would find happiness in the most minute, random things is gone missing. Everything I shared with this stranger happened years ago. Most of the experiences I had shared with him were all prior to the year 2008. It's as if in my mind, I've divided my life into two halves - before and after that year. In fact, It's almost as if everytime I have to tell people an interesting story, I refer to the times prior to 2008. It's me who has made that distinction not realizing that life doesn't work that way. It doesn't work in parts or sections. There is never really a prologue, chapter 1, chapter 2, or the end in life. One just needs to pick up the best pieces, carry them over from one phase to the next and make the best out of them. I need to work on erasing these distinctions that I have created in my own mind.

Having said that, I am trying to recall the last couple of months of my life and cannot think up of a lot of things that made me truly laugh. You know the kind of laugh you can feel in your bones. I know I have stopped observing. I know I have stopped paying attention to little things and little moments. This scares me a lot. And I know this has happened because my state of solitude, in which I had always taken refuge in, is breaking apart, running off the rails and starting to feel like a grinding loneliness. And I know this has been happening for long. Loneliness is a monster. It creeps on to you and you never know when it breaks apart your sense of solitude and takes over. You know it's happening when you begin to search for handles to hold on to, when your friendships reach a point of dependency, when attachment to wordly things become so strong that you can't find one minute of peace without these temporary things, and when you want more than you actually need. It is a scary state to be able to not see what you have and see that which you don't.
Nowhere can one find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul.

A prayer

"O'Allah! Before you take away a blessing from us, bless us with the wisdom, awareness and understanding to be able to realize the importance of that blessing, to be able to treasure the moments that we spend with it, to be able to thank you for blessing us with such a great blessing, to be able to utilize and enjoy our time with it, to our satisfaction. Before you take away the blessing from us..."

This is the first time I feel I can relate. Let's take a moment away from our busy lives to reflect and be grateful for the very basics - food, sleep, home, and our abilities to hear, see, think, and talk.

I've heard em say...

I wondered often and I've asked
I've heard em say, and they've talked
They talk about love, mention trust
lying is evil, and truth is a must.

Honesty is a policy that keeps integrity
Simplicity is the way to gain morality
Adhere to the principles, never deviate
speak only good, or else dissociate

Patience is a virtue, so wait and see
Never rebel, just let things be
Anger is your enemy, a burning coal
Sorrow is only for the decayed soul

I've heard em say, but what's the fact?
Is gaining trust anything but an act?
Can love ever exist in a hateful world?
Is lying a norm or the truth is blurred?

Be honest, expose, be as soft as wool
Isn't simple another name for a fool?
Following principles only when asked?
Do you know what silence may mask?

What if patience embeds silent aggression?
and rebelling may just be a sign of passion
Not angry enough, the world needs to be mad
Joy cannot be attained, if you are never sad

My favourite quotes

Good bye!

Hello blog readers!

Thank you all for the appreciation and encouragement you all have provided me. I have saved all the comments, suggestions, feedbacks I have recieved and will inshAllah continue to keep those in mind in my future writings. I know I don't post as much anymore but I do write frequently and will continue to do so. However, I don't think I will be updating or posting anything for a while (this is for Hemsa :P) but hopefully in the future. Please continue to pray for my well-being and if you need me for anything, feel free to contact me on any of the email addresses or my cell.

Long Forgotten,
Hina

My Broken Sea

That deep blue sea
which had always been my refuge
its calm waves, its infinite depth
had been a sanctuary from the refuse

That deep blue sea
is no longer still, no longer calm
its waves are turbulent, there's a storm
groaning n screaming of its broken form

I will stand firm at the shore
let it break my shell with its wrath
I will engulf it in my arms
and let it erase my carved path

For its been with me for way too long
For I have been closer to it than its shore
For I have picked up its broken shells
each shell imperfect, each incomplete

For it has given me peace and serenity
nothing but strength, courage and beauty
A pearl hidden within the center of its shells
each shell valuable, each priceless

So I'll let it fill my heart
I'll let it run down my eyes
I'll let it drench me with its sorrow
I'll let it drown me...

For a beautiful friend...

It seems like yesterday. The very first time we met, we talked about school. I could see the excitement in your eyes as you talked about the biggest accomplishment of your life. Nuclear medicine – research on treatments for cancer patients. You thought it would be a good program for me to consider because of my volunteer work with cancer patients. You had big dreams. They were beautiful ones; a desire to help people and make a difference. But, all I saw was another U of Ter trying to convince me that I made the right choice by going to U of T. I had seen you before many times at the pharmacy and thought maybe I should say “hi” to a fellow Pakistani. But there was always this slight rudeness in the way you spoke that I always changed my mind. You knew every time I dropped by pharmacy that I was here to see my friend. So you would never come up and say the usual “May I help you?”?

I am glad that we got a chance to finally meet and talk that afternoon you were going to your work party with my friend. It really seems like yesterday. I felt I was wrong and that you sounded much nicer in person than in the pharmacy. I am sorry for ever assuming that. I can’t exactly recall when and how you became a part of our little gang but I remember the very first time you came over was on my birthday party. You were late. We hardly knew each other but you looked very happy for me (at least in the pictures for sure). We looked at those pictures for months over and over again. We looked at them to catch all those expressions of yours that we didn’t pay attention to when you were among us. We laughed at you for not knowing any of the paindu songs we were singing on my birthday. But you still did well. I am sure you were thinking if we are even sane.

You became a part of us. A very important part of our lives. But we did not know that and we never paid attention to it. When you would stay quiet, we would think you are shy. We would encourage you to become just as silly as we were but we didn’t know that you were burdened by a secret so huge and painful than we could ever imagine. You told us that you wanted to hang around with us to experience something you had never experienced before. You were in a rush to experience all that you had missed out on when you were studying and working. What was the rush?
We did not think you would make it another day when we first came to see you at the hospital. There were no signs of life in your eyes. They were blank. I wanted to help you hold your cup as your hands shivered but I was too shocked. We were all too shocked. We wondered if you were a secret smoker because of the lung cancer diagnosis. We felt outraged seeing you in the ER with doctors assuming nothing can be done. It was an extremely helpless feeling. I felt that for the very first time in my life. We were always taught gaining control over difficult situations is the way to go. How were we supposed to know that some things are just out of our control. There are some things which ARE impossible. One of those things is to stop someone from leaving.

But you survived. Not for too long but for some time. You survived to show us what strength and patience actually mean. You survived to show us that life is really too short. You let us keep lying and give you false hopes of life despite of being very well aware of where things were heading. Not once you said we don’t know how it feels to be in your shoes. We had so many questions. We wanted to know why you hid it. We wanted to know how and why it happened. We wondered for months after your death whether it was due to some radiation accident in your lab. We wondered over your emails for days and nights. We looked at your pictures for days and days and saw that you looked sick. Why were we not able to see it when you were alive? We now understand that you had to go. We now keep ourselves prepared that one day we will have to go.

You made a difference in our lives just the way you had hoped and dreamt. It was because of your courage that I had some courage to go through pain without feeling like “why me”. It is because of you that we hold each other even more tightly and value our friendships. It’s because of you we are able to feel someone’s pain. It’s because of you we remember our ultimate purpose and destination. It’s because of you we know what loss feels like. You will always be missed Arooj.

A Thought...

"True awareness, true consciousness, true enlightenment, the quality of true Divine love is not necessarily about being nice all the time. It is not about appearing peaceful, but rather it is about being truthful—truthful with ourselves about exactly where we are and truthful with others. When I am at my most vulnerable, when I am at my deepest truth within my shadow self is ironically when I am closest to God. Truth creates proximity to the Divine, even when it is something that we despise or something we believe we should not be feeling by now after all the work we have done."

Time

Time, I hear, is the healer of all
be its slave and it will cure all
Its mighty embrace will bring solace
only to its believers, not the faithless

I'm not its worshiper, I don't believe
it does me no favours, nor gives me relief
I let grief creep into my space
then I'm the one who puts it in its place

Time, I hear, waits for nobody
It moulds you, makes you a somebody
Chase after it in a suit and a tie
follow its pace, don't let it fly by

I'll let it go by, I refuse to chase
Time's no superhero, its not an ace
I'll pave my own path, at my own pace
life's not a competition, nor a race

Time, I hear, decides the right place
it chooses the right person, the right face
be patient! just accept! for it concludes your fate
your happiness lies at the mercy of its grace

I can't submit, for time is only finite
i acknowledge my free will without respite
unclenching my fist, letting it slip away
One day I'll be gone, and time will stay.

"Beginning in an ending"

I’ve been thinking about writing this gibberish for a very long time but thought the end of the year would be the perfect time to post it. I just want to write this and have it up on my blog so a few years from now (i.e. if I’m still alive), I can look back and remind myself how absolutely lucky I’ve been in life. One of the reasons I started writing a blog is because it acts as a memory trigger for me. Every piece here has a memory behind it. Every poem is inspired by someone. Every sentence is important to me. Now, certainly, there are a few things I would love to erase from my memory if I could but there are also many things in my life which I’d like to remember in the future. I am afraid I might forget a lot of important things considering the rate at which my memory is decelerating. Also, I know that when I am blessed with joy and happiness (which I hope for the future inshAllah) I tend to forget the hard times and the lessons that came with them. So, in an attempt to try and get some perspective on the past year, I’ve been thinking about where I’ve been, what I’ve achieved this year, and what I’m thankful for.
2009

Health - I would say it has been my ‘recovery’ year in many ways.It’s definitely been a challenging year for me and my family / friends but the good part is that it’s now over. Life seems to be a lot more stable now. Generally, I’ve been sleeping, eating, working, reading, and chatting (: P) like a normal human being. That’s something! because at the beginning of this year, I was not able to visualize myself as having a normal life again. Most of the wounds have been healed. The horrifying memories of the hospital are fading away. overall I seem to be doing a lot better. Alhumdulillah. And I have a lot more to be thankful for.

Mind - As always, I am very thankful to my family for being so supportive and good to me despite my irrational, aggressive behaviour most of the times. It’s hard to explain sometimes because an explanation always comes off as an excuse. But I’ll say it anyways. It’s very hard to have patience for silly crap when you have used up most of your patience reservoir. Even minor holdbacks seem like huge mountains to climb. As much as I’d like to think that I’ve emerged as a much stronger person because I’ve been through so much, the truth is that’s not the case– actually, it is in some ways but not in every way. Every hit seems to be harsher than the previous one. It’s tiring and exhausting but I guess now I know what my mother meant when she would tell me life is nothing but a test. At present, the toughest state for me to gain (re-gain?) is one that of patience and calmness in the face of adversity. I hope for some courage – not the absence of fear but the ability to face my fears. And I have a long way to go.

Heart – Now, that little guy is in a terrible place. In fact, I am ashamed to write about it but I will do it anyways for comparison purposes. I don’t remember ever being so lethargic and ignorant before when it came to keeping my heart refined. I can always use my health as an excuse, but it would be just that – an excuse. Every grudge has been successful in creating a crack in my heart. Anger has burnt its edges. Envy has stolen its peace. Regret has extinguished its passion. I stood up for what I believed in because I heard that if you don’t stand up for something, you will fall for everything. But life has proven it wrong over and over again. You still fall because those who you stand up for let go. Anyways, the good news is that something deep in the core still seems to be doing alright (at least for now) – I am not sure what it is; hope? Belief? Love? I hope to someday stand up for something worthwhile, keep some promises, erase the grudges, rekindle relations, cherish little moments, and laugh sincerely.

Brain – I know I don’t use it much other than to day dream or argue endlessly, I am hoping to make some good use of it and so, I am going back to school for a bit to get some pre-requisites. Please pray for my survival and keep me entertained on facebook during all nighters. My goal is to take one step at a time.

Realization has been my only but the greatest achievement.

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison