"Beginning in an ending"

I’ve been thinking about writing this gibberish for a very long time but thought the end of the year would be the perfect time to post it. I just want to write this and have it up on my blog so a few years from now (i.e. if I’m still alive), I can look back and remind myself how absolutely lucky I’ve been in life. One of the reasons I started writing a blog is because it acts as a memory trigger for me. Every piece here has a memory behind it. Every poem is inspired by someone. Every sentence is important to me. Now, certainly, there are a few things I would love to erase from my memory if I could but there are also many things in my life which I’d like to remember in the future. I am afraid I might forget a lot of important things considering the rate at which my memory is decelerating. Also, I know that when I am blessed with joy and happiness (which I hope for the future inshAllah) I tend to forget the hard times and the lessons that came with them. So, in an attempt to try and get some perspective on the past year, I’ve been thinking about where I’ve been, what I’ve achieved this year, and what I’m thankful for.
2009

Health - I would say it has been my ‘recovery’ year in many ways.It’s definitely been a challenging year for me and my family / friends but the good part is that it’s now over. Life seems to be a lot more stable now. Generally, I’ve been sleeping, eating, working, reading, and chatting (: P) like a normal human being. That’s something! because at the beginning of this year, I was not able to visualize myself as having a normal life again. Most of the wounds have been healed. The horrifying memories of the hospital are fading away. overall I seem to be doing a lot better. Alhumdulillah. And I have a lot more to be thankful for.

Mind - As always, I am very thankful to my family for being so supportive and good to me despite my irrational, aggressive behaviour most of the times. It’s hard to explain sometimes because an explanation always comes off as an excuse. But I’ll say it anyways. It’s very hard to have patience for silly crap when you have used up most of your patience reservoir. Even minor holdbacks seem like huge mountains to climb. As much as I’d like to think that I’ve emerged as a much stronger person because I’ve been through so much, the truth is that’s not the case– actually, it is in some ways but not in every way. Every hit seems to be harsher than the previous one. It’s tiring and exhausting but I guess now I know what my mother meant when she would tell me life is nothing but a test. At present, the toughest state for me to gain (re-gain?) is one that of patience and calmness in the face of adversity. I hope for some courage – not the absence of fear but the ability to face my fears. And I have a long way to go.

Heart – Now, that little guy is in a terrible place. In fact, I am ashamed to write about it but I will do it anyways for comparison purposes. I don’t remember ever being so lethargic and ignorant before when it came to keeping my heart refined. I can always use my health as an excuse, but it would be just that – an excuse. Every grudge has been successful in creating a crack in my heart. Anger has burnt its edges. Envy has stolen its peace. Regret has extinguished its passion. I stood up for what I believed in because I heard that if you don’t stand up for something, you will fall for everything. But life has proven it wrong over and over again. You still fall because those who you stand up for let go. Anyways, the good news is that something deep in the core still seems to be doing alright (at least for now) – I am not sure what it is; hope? Belief? Love? I hope to someday stand up for something worthwhile, keep some promises, erase the grudges, rekindle relations, cherish little moments, and laugh sincerely.

Brain – I know I don’t use it much other than to day dream or argue endlessly, I am hoping to make some good use of it and so, I am going back to school for a bit to get some pre-requisites. Please pray for my survival and keep me entertained on facebook during all nighters. My goal is to take one step at a time.

Realization has been my only but the greatest achievement.

All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~Ralph Ellison