Hijab - A constant struggle

I was once told “The hardest part about doing hijab is that you face your own demons inside”. I couldn’t agree more. It is a challenge to destroy an image perceived by others based on outer appearance and beauty and build a personality based solely on your character and the ability to express yourself. You can no longer hide behind your looks. Your long, lustrous hair, curly eye lashes, tanned complexion, rosy cheeks, sparkly eyes, pearly teeth no longer gives you the satisfaction of being a complete woman. But it gets scary when the only way to make an impression and further gain acceptance in the world is through what you say and how you say it.
My struggle began at the age of 14 when I was striving to establish Salat (daily prayers). As I began to feel a sense of haya (modesty in Islam), my mind consistently felt tortured at any eye that refused to see beyond my looks. Compliments over my hair would bother me for days especially if they came from the opposite gender. I felt objectified when their fingers would run through my hair innocently trying to feel the texture or measure its length. I came to be known as the girl with long hair and glittery eyes. I did not want to be known as that. But I was afraid. I did not want people around me to feel that I have changed. I knew it would be difficult to feel accepted with a headscarf. I was afraid that people won’t understand and I’ll become an object of their ‘funny’ comments. I liked to be accepted, just not the WAY I was being accepted. However, this struggle did not last for long. I gave up and brushed any such thoughts aside. “I cannot do it now”. These feelings continued to visit from time to time.

“Hey, you wana go for a walk outside?” asked Tooba, my friend who I had just met in Grade 12 chemistry class. She observed the hijab. We used to walk every evening, chit chat, and eat fries. Occasionally, we would say salam (Islamic greeting) to this random, elderly muslim woman who would also be walking every evening around the same time. One evening, she asked me “beta, tussi musalman ho” (Are you a muslim?). Being the silly person that I am, I started giggling at her Punjabi. So did Tooba. She said to me that if I am a muslim, then it is a fardh (obligatory) to observe hijab (I will try not to say it in Punjabi from the fear of completely butchering the language). I did not quite get what she said due to the enormity of the message in a language I did not fully understand. Because I found the situation funny, it did not click to me right away how ‘ignorant’ I had been. This woman did not mind my giggles. It was like she knew my struggle.

The next and the following evenings, I observed hijab from the fear of bumping into that woman again. Tooba and I would laugh often about it. I never saw that woman again but I kept the hijab on. I bought a few extra ones. Different colours matching different outfits. It became a routine. It was not hard. I was criticized little by those close to me and I was not questioned. Although this did put an end to the ongoing whispers in my mind, I had no clue of its significance until I met and became friends with Hamsa, interested in knowing why I observe a hijab. I don’t think I answered her question well at that time but it got me searching for an answer. A woman’s body is sacred and the main principle for wearing a hijab is to respect and protect her attractive body parts as something valuable for her own being. It represents identity, modesty, chastity, veneration, and reverence. Ultimately, the main reason/intention should be to obey Allah swt as best as one can.

Over the years, the challenge continued as I faced few of the many obstacles most muslim women with hijabs have to face ranging from obtaining a career, marriage proposals, stereotypes, discrimination, and even hate crimes. I have not achieved perfection in it just yet but still striving towards it with determination and hope. I still have my ups and downs, my slips, my ‘giving up’ moments but the main thing is that it is something that requires consistent effort. The driving force behind that effort is nothing but true intentions and sincerity towards obeying our Lord. It needs to come from within; from strengthening our faith in the various ways prescribed by the Quran and the Sunnah (Prophet Muhammad’s sayings). It gave me an opportunity to re-define my personality, to build my character and to work towards a modest way of living, alhumdulillah (All praise is due to Allah swt). I pray that it continues to remain that way for me and for every woman trying her best to live a modest life.
(I just want to make it clear that this blog is written about my own self strictly from my perspective incorporating my experience and little knowledge. I do not in any way mean to imply that you can ONLY live modestly IF you observe a hijab and vice versa)